Tommy Cooper

[:FI:Bluebell]

Dont know anyone who knows of him outside the UK, some samples of his humour...................

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not
unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he
says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
ackside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,go
for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger
Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round.
"The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine. "So that
was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night'.


By all means check "youtube" as there are some belters.




Vin

[:FI:Nellip]

I loved Tommy Cooper.

Did you see the "glass, bottle, bottle, glass" trick he did on TV - still makes me laugh even now if I see it again.

[:FI:Falcon]

thx Vin!

sounds a lot like Steven Wright ...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I lost a button hole today."

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."

"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."

"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

What's another word for thesaurus?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.

(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Dennis." I said, "Hello, Dennis. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

[AltarBoy]

Give me Benny Hill anytime. Benny was da man!

[Nightcat]

Tommy Coopers old house is near where I live now funnily, they put a blue plaque outside it and its just a regular house of a more poorer nature.

Him and Les Dawson were brilliant - sometimes I go look for stuff by them on youtube and waste a few hours- oh and Dave Allen too!

Great jokes

[:FI:Fenian]

I needed a good laugh!

Only Tommy Cooper could pull those off....

Pulled a muscle indeed!!!

[:FI:Snaphoo]

Great jokes Ard and Falc!

[Deathsledge]

great stuff Vin

[:FI:Heloego]

[:FI:Igor]

Good Stuff....'


Igor

[:FI:McBiggles]

Tommy Cooper died onstage at the Palladium.
C'mon pal, everybody died onstage at the Palladium.
How did he die?
Not like that, like that.


I love The Goons.
Hancock's Half-hour.
Beyond the Fringe.

Great stuff.