Wish I'd thought of this..
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out
on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you
don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I
found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and
the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so
rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had
accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I
decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the
phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with
the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call
him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would
have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from
Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy
in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I
hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot
ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his
phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after
calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd
better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW
for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial,
too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with
an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your
prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray
Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time
to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop
cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works. .
