Breaking News
Breaking News
A major force 5 Hurricane (Shazza) hit the Basildon area of Essex in the early hours of Monday. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "faaackin ell"... The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were badly disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their benefit giro arrived. Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning." It was reported that looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including counterfeit benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and large quantities of Bone China from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: -- Fila or Burberry baseball caps -- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) -- Shell suits (female) -- White sport socks -- Rockport boots -- Any other items usually sold in Primark. or Poundstretcher. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: -- McDonald's Super Meals . . hot or cold. -- Microwave meals -- Tins of baked beans -- Ice cream -- Cans of Foster's, Colt 45 or Special Brew. Donations: 22p will buy a biro for filling in compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 will pay for a packet of B&H cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in Claret - "where are you bleeding from?" they asked - "F'kin ROMFORD enn I" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv ennyfing?"
"There are old pilots and there are bold pilots but there are no old bold pilots..." Frank Spencer.
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:FI:Scott
- Post Maniac 2nd Grade
- Posts: 1418
- Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 3:25 pm
- Location: N.Yorkshire, U.K
Essex, as in Essex girls?.
Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a walrus?.
One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is large aquatic mammal.
Whats the similarity between an Essex girl and a washing machine
they both drip when they're F*@!ed.
I ran these (and others) past my sister in law who is from Billericay after a very boozy Sunday lunch about a year ago. Its a shame when families lose touch.
Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a walrus?.
One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is large aquatic mammal.
Whats the similarity between an Essex girl and a washing machine
they both drip when they're F*@!ed.
I ran these (and others) past my sister in law who is from Billericay after a very boozy Sunday lunch about a year ago. Its a shame when families lose touch.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker...
- Willy Wonka.
- Willy Wonka.
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:FI:Falcon
- Full Metal Ferret
- Posts: 5572
- Joined: Mon May 19, 2003 6:32 am
- Location: New Orleans
- Contact:
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:FI:Nellip
- Post Maniac 2nd Grade
- Posts: 1577
- Joined: Wed May 21, 2003 7:09 pm
- Location: North Yorkshire - God's own country
Isn't the www a wonderful thing - a quick search and all these "Essex girl" jokes - 
Q: What's the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl ?
A: Gorby knows the names of the eight people that f***ed him !
Q: What do Essex girls use for protection during sex ?
A: Bus shelters.
Q: How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex ?
A: She shuts the Cortina's door.
Q: How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle ?
A: Shine a torch into her ear.
Q: Why does an Essex girl wear knickers ?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board ?
A: Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic ?
A: You know how many men went down on the titanic.
Q: What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl ?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd ?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !
Q: What did the Essex girl say after the doctor told her she was pregnant ?
A: Is it mine ?
Q: Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months ?
A: Because it said on the box "From 2 to 5 years".
Q: How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Saturday ?
A: Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Q: What does the label in an Essex girl's knickers say ?
A: NEXT !
Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick ?
A: Red means stop.
Q: If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an airplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first ?
A: The surrey girl, the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.
Q: What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning ?
A: Goes home.
Q: What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain ?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why do Essex girls have to work 7 days a week ?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What do you say to an Essex girl who wont give in ?
A: Have another drink.
Q: What do you do if an Essex girl throws a grenade at you ?
A: Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do Essex girls do for foreplay ? A: Remove their underwear.
Q: How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours ?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Where do Essex girls go to meet their relatives ?
A: The vegetable patch.
Q: How did the Essex girl break her leg raking leaves ?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What can strike an Essex girl without her even knowing it ?
A: A thought.
Q: What do you call a basement full of Essex girls ?
A: A whine cellar.
Not very PC
Q: What's the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl ?
A: Gorby knows the names of the eight people that f***ed him !
Q: What do Essex girls use for protection during sex ?
A: Bus shelters.
Q: How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex ?
A: She shuts the Cortina's door.
Q: How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle ?
A: Shine a torch into her ear.
Q: Why does an Essex girl wear knickers ?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board ?
A: Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic ?
A: You know how many men went down on the titanic.
Q: What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl ?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd ?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !
Q: What did the Essex girl say after the doctor told her she was pregnant ?
A: Is it mine ?
Q: Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months ?
A: Because it said on the box "From 2 to 5 years".
Q: How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Saturday ?
A: Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Q: What does the label in an Essex girl's knickers say ?
A: NEXT !
Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick ?
A: Red means stop.
Q: If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an airplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first ?
A: The surrey girl, the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.
Q: What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning ?
A: Goes home.
Q: What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain ?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why do Essex girls have to work 7 days a week ?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What do you say to an Essex girl who wont give in ?
A: Have another drink.
Q: What do you do if an Essex girl throws a grenade at you ?
A: Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do Essex girls do for foreplay ? A: Remove their underwear.
Q: How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours ?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Where do Essex girls go to meet their relatives ?
A: The vegetable patch.
Q: How did the Essex girl break her leg raking leaves ?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What can strike an Essex girl without her even knowing it ?
A: A thought.
Q: What do you call a basement full of Essex girls ?
A: A whine cellar.
Not very PC Olegs stalker
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:FI:Fenian
- Just pink and fluffy
- Posts: 1695
- Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2003 11:39 am
- Location: Sweden
- Contact:
Heh...
.... Hurricane Sharon... I love it!!!!
_________
:FI:Fenian
"When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong."
Oscar Wilde
:FI:Fenian
"When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong."
Oscar Wilde
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:FI:Heloego
- Post Maniac General
- Posts: 3899
- Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2003 9:40 pm
- Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA (Smile when you say that!)
Do they...
...stare at cans of Frozen Orange Juice because it says "concentrate"?
...and wear your feckin' mask!!!!! 
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:FI:Fenian
- Just pink and fluffy
- Posts: 1695
- Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2003 11:39 am
- Location: Sweden
- Contact:
Why on earth...
would you want to freeze your orange juice?
Your culture is soooo advanced....
What happened to fresh oranges instead... they last for weeks....
Your culture is soooo advanced....
What happened to fresh oranges instead... they last for weeks....
_________
:FI:Fenian
"When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong."
Oscar Wilde
:FI:Fenian
"When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong."
Oscar Wilde
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:FI:IceFrog
- Forum Junky
- Posts: 602
- Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:56 pm
- Location: so cal USA
yes let's stick to these, i used to like the "blonde jokes" until most of my red hair turned to grey making it look blonde:FI:Noter wrote:I love these, sounds like the equivalent of the US "blonde" jokes...hilarious.Noter
"IceFrog" 
The past is the prelude to the future
“Indecision is the key to flexibily”
The past is the prelude to the future
“Indecision is the key to flexibily”