Fighting Irish Forums

Dear Uncle Fenster,

i've made an incredible observation lately, while taking a bath in the bathtub, i've noticed that if i let a farte, the silent bubble actually "RISES" to the top of the water! yes, that's right, it actually "RISES" to the top in bubble form, then of course "pops" whereas i smell it.

(as confirmation, this happened again just last night... )

well, you know me---always have my thinking cap on and all that, so this recent revelation has started me to wondering/pondering and where in there lies my question to you, Uncle Fenster:

ie, if a farte will actually float to the top of a water-filled bathtub, it---ergo must mean that a farte actually IS gaseous in nature...ie, gas being lighter than water. ha... i know it's a stretch, but yeah, it MUST be so.

also, after noticing such, it came to me that when one is OUT of the tub and lets a farte, the smell actually travels UP to the nose in a remarkably short time... ie a fart (being gaseous) must also be lighter than the air around us! wow! what a novel thought there!

okay, okay....so if a farte is gaseous (which we've pretty well already "confirmed" by now) and lighter than both water and air, what would happen if a person HELD all of his farte's .... say for a month, or even a year? you know, simply refused to let them pass from his body? for such a lengthy time frame?

yes, this IS a serious question.

(a) would at some point such a person balloon, or rather bloat... becoming three to five times his original physical size... possibly even rupture and zip/zip/zip around the room from ceiling to floor like a suddenly released balloon from a child's doctor's office visit?

(b) would at some point such a person actually go ballistic? actually be able to overcome the earth's gravitational field and manage to fly about through the sky like the comic book Superman?

(c) or would NEITHER happen, merely the person in question become rancid, discolored, weak and sickly, giving off either a bad attitude or an offensive odor...or both---to the world around him at large.

(d) none of the above (please explain your thoughts on the matter.)

(e) or is my entire theory about farte's being lighter than water and or air incorrect and i've been too drunken on moonshine or beer (or both) to realize it? you know, sort of like the drunk at the bar seeing pink elephants and such? (I pray this is NOT the case!)

at this point i've about went as far as i can go with this theory without rupturing my remaining brain cells.

PLEASE Uncle Fenster...help me IF YOU CAN!

thanks,

Beowolff

I am merely a facilitator.

Like the Tarot Cards, I merely provide people with options for them to discover the real truths themselves.

My advice is to try to hold ALL of your farts in for two weeks.

If you succeed you are a better man than I.

In order to achieve this I heartily recommend a stout cork bung which you must insert in your anal sphincter. To keep this in place I recommend latex underwear with a liberal smear of KY jelly (to stop leakage of any kind) and this followed by the tighest jeans you can find. Cowboys prefer Wranglers....

Bear in mind that you should ideally STOP eating during these two weeks, as it will prove difficult to defacate when fully 'trussed'.

If you do eat, and want to push the envelope, as it were, stick to semi-raw pulses, eggs and cabage. This will help you to discover your own personal truth much sooner.

I know that you many be slightly disappointed with this reply - but life is a journey of discovery. I would not wish to rob you of this life-altering experience for the sake of a cheap feeling of 'one-upmanship'.

Therefore, be sure that I stand right behind you and slightly to the left, with a gas mask and in full support of your valient efforts to defy the moveable beast that is human methane.

I remain your humble Unka....

Fen

I can see the headlines now..

TN HIT BY SHIT STORM!!! THOUSANDS KILLED!!

Talk about settin' off car alarms ... !


Fal "Farts on a regular, healthy schedule" con

..."Beowulf Blows"?


...and (from the previous post) "Arne Sucks"?





Helo"leaving the country...fast"ego

Recalling the fate of the Hindenburg I would strongly advise against
any experiments of this nature.