Humour in Uniform part 1

fighter_bomber · Post by **fighter_bomber** » Mon Jul 31, 2006 5:27 pm

I once thought my pitot tube was an enemy aircraft. I circled chasing my own wing for 12 minutes

AltarBoy · Post by **AltarBoy** » Tue Aug 01, 2006 4:46 am

Fighter Pilot Jokes
Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

:FI:Falcon · Post by **:FI:Falcon** » Tue Aug 01, 2006 5:42 am

Skipper · Post by **Skipper** » Tue Aug 01, 2006 4:00 pm

AltarBoy wrote:Fighter Pilot Jokes
Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

AltarBoy · Post by **AltarBoy** » Wed Aug 02, 2006 12:01 am

Well, at last the U.S. captured Osama bin Laden. A CIA interrogator was questioning him. When he finished a fellow CIA operative asked, "Did he say anything?"

"Nope, Osama bin Lyin'

AltarBoy · Post by **AltarBoy** » Wed Aug 02, 2006 3:49 pm

An air traffic controller lost contact with a Fokker aircraft and contacted an American Airlines flight in the area.

"American 1868 did you see a Fokker aircraft in your sector?"

The AA pilot scanned the horizon and picked up the aircraft.

"Tower, affirmative, I have the Fokker in sight."

Skipper · Post by **Skipper** » Wed Aug 02, 2006 4:41 pm

You've gotta love jokes about the word "Fokker"

OK i'm childish

AltarBoy · Post by **AltarBoy** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 11:41 am

CORRECT COUNT

A cadet was making his first parachute jump. The instructor noticed with a sinking heart that the chute was not opening.

"What is he doing? I've told him a thousand times to count till three, and then pull the ring!"

The cadet reached the ground with a heavy thud. The instructor bent over him to hear him whispering: "Thrree..."

:FI:Sneaky_Russian · Post by **:FI:Sneaky_Russian** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 12:11 pm

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

And as for the Brits

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Wrong direction

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Noise

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

AltarBoy · Post by **AltarBoy** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 3:39 pm

Good ones m8! Gotta tell my fellow controllers those.

Here's another:

2 Canadian Spitfire fighter pilots were being bawled at by their commander for not bagging enough german ground targets during WW2. So during a sortie one of them came across some german trucks. "Red Angel 1 to Red Angel 2, enemy trucks at 4 o' Clock!"

"I don't see them Red 1"

"They're now at 5 o' Clock."

"I don't see them Red 1, 5 o' clock low or high!"

Ege · Post by **Ege** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:16 pm

AltarBoy · Post by **AltarBoy** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:44 pm

Russian military humour

American journalist in Chechnya talking to a Russian military official:
"General, I'd like to meet one of your courageous Russian soldiers."

Russian general:
"Me too."

Skipper · Post by **Skipper** » Fri Aug 04, 2006 8:47 pm

I love these jokes

AltarBoy · Post by **AltarBoy** » Fri Aug 04, 2006 11:32 pm

Since skipper love these jokes here's another:

JUST KEEP IT QUIET

A naval officer fell overboard and was rescued by a deckhand. The officer asked the sailor how he could reward him.

"The best way, sir," replied the bluejacket, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd throw me in."

ZERO LEVEL FLIGHT

A traffic cop stopped a speeding car driven by an Air Force officer. "Was I driving too fast?" the pilot asked.

"No, You were flying too low." replied the cop.

A GOOD CATHOLIC

An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution.

The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain.

The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, "I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that."

"Well, padre, I'm not Catholic," answered the GI.

"But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there."

"No - but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch and my wallet."

NOTE: This last one should be the motto of every Fighting Irish Member!

:FI:Macca · Post by **:FI:Macca** » Sat Aug 05, 2006 12:06 am

The wallet?

M

Humour in Uniform part 1

ATC