Wimmin are easy...

[:FI:WillieOFS]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that
the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his
overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said
to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words.'

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from
his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the
young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...


































































"Paint my house."

[:FI:Scott]

Try this-

On Prince Charles and Camilla's wedding day Camilla realises that she has forgotten her best shoes so a lady in waiting offers to lend her a pair of hers- they are very nice but two sizes too small but wanting to look as good as possible Camilla sqeezes in and off she goes to the wedding.

That night Charles and Camilla finally retire to thir bedroom and the first thing Camilla does is flop on the bed and ask Charles to help her take of the shoes which by now are very painfull. Charles dutifully pitches in but Camillas feet have swollen up and Charles struggles tugs and pulls and grunts and finally exclaims "sorry if its hurting darling its just so damn tight".

By chance the Queen and Prince Phillip are in the room next door and overhear this exchage, the Queen turns to her husband and says - I told you, with a face like that she had to be still a virgin.

Now, next door Charles has moved on to the second shoe and tugs, pulls, curses , grunts and finally calls out "hold on, its almost there but christ if this one isnt even tighter than the last".

Next door Prince Phillip turns to the Queen and says "thats my boy, once a Navy man always a Navy Man"

[:FI:Fenian]

[:FI:Heloego]

[:FI:Heloego]

When the Aliens arrived, none of us were ready.

We were sitting around the dinner table, mindlessly chattering, when the knock came. Aunt Rose went to the door, swung it open, and was instantly vaporized! Horrified, we watched Aunt Rose's ashes settle slowly to the floor.
The door creaked shut. "Aliens", Grandma whispered.

A few moments of silence followed, and then the knock returned. This time Grandma grabbed her shotgun, signaled everyone of her intent, and crept quietly to the door. The kind, eternal light had left her blue eyes. Her jaw was set, and I saw the look of the vengeful she-wolf intent on protecting her cubs.

Grandma suddenly flung open the door and I saw her pump two rounds into Harold Schmidt, the grocer up the street. When the smoke cleared we all stood quietly, observing Harold's twisted, broken body.

"Who would have thought?", Grandma's voice quivered.

"Old Harold Schmidt - a stinkin' Alien!"

(From Aliens, Gary Larson's "Pre-History of the Far Side")

[:FI:Dutchman]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

[Skipper]

[:FI:WillieOFS]

I prefer Hydra-Shoks myself...


Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer: BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips


or Hollow Points?"

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[:FI:Heloego]

You didn't mention that it was the worst case of suicide the Sheriff had ever seen!

[MikeVictor]

Here's one for Willie,

Survior, Texas Style

A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.


Mic "used to live in El Paso" Vic

[:FI:Heloego]

[:FI:Heloego]

...brings his wife to the hospital for the "blessed event".

The doctor says "We have a new toy here. It's an experimental machine that will transfer the mother's birth pains to the father. It should lessen the mother's pain considerably while giving the father a better idea what she has to endure. Wanna try it?"

The husband says "OK, but start out at minimum."
So the doctor sets it at 10%, and sure enough the mother's pain is lessened and the husband says he's doing fine, too.

The doctor turns it up to 20% with good results, then 50% with no bad effects on the husband. Both husband and wife are ecstatic, so the husband says "Turn it up all the way!"

The doctor sets it at 100%, the wife's pain is completely gone, and the husband says he's not feeling a thing, either!

The doctor pronounces the birth and the experiment a resounding success and after a very short recuperation the husband and wife are sent home.

They found the mailman dead on the doorstep.

[MikeVictor]

[:FI:IceFrog]

They found the mailman dead on the doorstep.

has Murph read this one