Chilli contest Texas style.

[Baderslegs]

If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there is no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge #2 -
Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy shit,
what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 -
Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3
- (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge
#3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now.
Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli. Judge # 3 - I felt something
scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT...just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 - Chilli using
shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
make a strong statement. Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is
pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers. Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than
I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a
snow cone.



Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably. Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my
mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight
in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Sod it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -This final
entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see
that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled
the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

[MikeVictor]

Reminds me of a chilli contest I entered when I lived in Colorado Springs, CO, USA.

Never did that before. Didn't cook the beans enough so they were crunchy. Put too much chilli powder in it, so it would remove paint from a driveway it was so strong. I didn't win, but they named it Mike's Chernobyl Chilli and put a radioactive warning sign next to it (no kidding).

Hey, let's have a chilli cook off!

Mike

[:FI:RULES]

I´v got a bottle of Dave´s Insanity Sauce that I take a few drops from now and then....Scary stuff....

http://www.firegirl.com/hs1107.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[:FI:Nellip]

Fantastic - laughed so much the tears were rolling down my cheeks

[:FI:Igor]

Good story. Since my wife is Korean, we consume alot of 'spicy' food. We use Tabasco sauce like its catsup. The greater part of our garden is used for Korean Cayenne peppers. We use to grow Habinaro's and give them to people as a joke; not a real nice thing to do. They look like little 1 1/2 inch diameter pumpkins; the first bite has a little bit of a green taste to it; then you're in pain for 45 minutes; you can't drink enough beer, milk, water, turpentine, to stop the pain. We don't grow them anymore!

Igor da 'Spicy food conna Sewer'

[Deathsledge]

great stuff

[:FI:Fenian]

I like spicy stuff, me

[MikeVictor]

Igor,

So you and yours like Kimshee (spelling?). I have tried it on occasion, and sort of liked the summer vatiety, but that winter Kimshee was lethal stuff for sure. Dayyyuummm, that is hot stuff, and those little fish staring back at you....

Had a friend married to a Korean lady like yourself, and they always had the stuff around, but they kept it in air tight jars in a metal trash can in the backyard under the canopy to protect against a toxic spill.... Seemed like an appropriate place to store it to me at the time.

Hot, Damn Hot, An acquired taste for sure,

MicVic
Habinaro's are the hottest pepper known to mankind....don't you have to have a permit for that stuff?

[:FI:Igor]

MV,
Rgr hot, My wife keeps the kinchee in sealed glass jars, in its own refrigerator, in the garage. And, yes, those were little fish staring at you. I don't eat the stuff (cuss i know whats in it!)

Igor

[:FI:Igor]

Error in last post, rum kicking in. "Kimchee" not "Kinchee" and no, you don't need a special permit for habinaros, a standard Department of Transportation Hazardious Material permit will do.

Igor

[MikeVictor]

Found this free recipee surfing, might be worth a try for hot heads:



Big Ed's Whup Yo' Ass Chili

chili, main dish

1 large onion, chopped
6 garlic cloves, chopped
2 cup rendered beef kidney suet
2 1/2 lb extra lean chuck beef,cubed
1 lb ham, cubed
2 cup water
1 teaspoon cumin, ground
2 teaspoon oregano
1 cup red chili pulp *or*
6 tablespoon chili powder
1 tablespoon salt to taste

Cook onion and garlic in rendered beef suet until onion is limp and yellow. Add beef and ham and cook, stirring often, until it is a uniform gray color. Add water, mix well, simmer one to one and a half hours. Add cumin, oregano, chili pulp or powder, and salt to meat mixture. Stirring frequently to prevent sticking, simmer for an additional hour.

Mic

[:FI:Falcon]

some of the hottest best hot sauces are made in southern Looseanny

[MikeVictor]

Yeah you right!

AAAAaaaaeeeeeeiiiiiiii.


MicVic

[Ianus]

ROFLOL A funny story can imagine it happening to !!