some laugh

[:FI:Macca]

I found it on the Airwarefare forum

hope you like it


Murphy's Laws of Combat

1. Friendly fire - isn't.

2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.

3. Suppressive fires - won't.

4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

8. If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery. When that doesn't work, for an airstrike.

9. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will fall short.

10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:

(1) when they're ready
(2) when you're not.
16. "No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy." - Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke

1990's version: No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

18. Five-second fuses always burn three seconds.

19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

22. The problem with taking easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

24. Don't look conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. [Corollary: For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as missile magnets.]

25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

28. Incoming fire has the right of way.

29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

33. Things that must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)

36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

38. Tracers work both ways.

39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

42. When your fear of the plane overcomes your fear of the ejection seat, it's time to "punch out."

43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

45. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

46. Weather isn't neutral.

47. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

48. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

49. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

50. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

51. Napalm is an area support weapon.

52. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

53. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

54. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

55. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

56. The one item you need is always in short supply.

57. Interchangeable parts aren't.

58. It's not the one [bullet] with your name on it; it's the one [bullet or shrapnel] addressed "to whom it may concern" or "occupant" that you've got to worry about.

59. When in doubt, empty your magazine.

60. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. [Corollary: The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.]

61. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps...printed at different scales.

62. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

63. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

64. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

65. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

66. Everything always works in your HQ; everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

67. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

68. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

69. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

70. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

71. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

74. No matter which way you have to march, it's always uphill.

75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

77. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want

81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.

86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

87. Murphy was a grunt.

88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.

90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. [Corollary: The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater the average grunt can throw it.]

91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

93. The crucial round is a dud.

94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.

95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.

98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.

100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. [Corollary: Odd objects attract fire -- you are odd.]

102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.

103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).

104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.

106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.

108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

111. Walking point = sniper bait.

112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

114. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

115. The Quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

116. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

117. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

118. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

119. All battles are fought uphill.

120. All battles are fought in the rain.

121. "Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare." -- Heinz Guderian

122. What gets you promoted from one rank, gets you killed in the next rank.

123. "A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow." -- General George Patton

124. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.

125. "War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact." -- attributed to Napoleon

126. "Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank." -- Karl von Clausewitz

127. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.

128. "Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%." -- General Douglas MacArthur

129. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.

130. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.

131. "No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy." -- Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

132. "Only numbers can annihilate." -- Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

133. Always know when to get out of "Dodge". [Corollary: Always know how to get out of "Dodge".]

134. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.

135. Always honor a threat.

136. The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.

137. "Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant." -- Charles Edward Montague

138. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.

139. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.

140. "A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost." -- Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)

141. "Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander." -- Jerry Pournelle

142. "All warfare is based upon deception." -- Sun Tzu (The Art of War)

143. "A little caution outflanks a large cavalry." -- Otto von Bismark

144. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

145. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.

146. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.

147. "Snow is not neutral." -- Frunze Military Academy Maxim

148. The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.

149. "Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what cannot be gained or held on the battlefield." -- General Walter Bedell Smith

150. "War is the unfolding of miscalculations." -- Barbara Tuchman

151. "Perfect is the enemy of good enough." -- Soviet Admiral Gorshkov

152. "He who wants to defend everything defends nothing." -- Frederick the Great

153. If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.

154. Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.

155. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.

156. The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds. [Corollary: To ensure this, the mortar teams always carry extra pins.]

157. More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.

158. Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it.

[:FI:Fenian]

[:FI:WillieOFS]

RIGHT ON and yes, Murphy was a grunt. (and a DAMANED observant one at that)

[:FI:RULES]

He was an optemist...

[:FI:Heloego]

But is that all?

[:FI:Macca]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Al Gore:
I fight for the chickens! I will not give up on the chickens crossing he road! I will fight for the chickens, and I will not disappoint them!

Senator Lieberman:

I believe that every chicken has right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey, and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

Ralph Nader:

Our society pays auto makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is a benefit in crossing them. Down with the roads! Up with the chickens!

Pat Buchanan:

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Karl Marx:

It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussen:

It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan:

What chicken?

Pyrrho the Skeptic:

What road?

Captain James T. Kirk:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before!

Mr. Spock:

It seemed like the logical thing for the chicken to do at the time.

Bill Gates:

We have just released e-Chicken 5.0 which will not only cross roads but also lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. The Internet Explorer is now an inextricable part of e-Chicken.

Albert Einstein:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Louis Farrakhan:

The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Moses:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders:

I missed one?

Sir Isaac Newton:

A chicken at rest will stay at rest, a chickens in motion will cross the road.

Aristotle:

To actualize its potential.

Werner Heisenberg:

We can never be certain the chicken crossed the road.

Charles Darwin:

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Mark Twain:

The news of the chicken's crossing the road has been greatly exaggerated.

Aristotle:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Douglas Adams:

Forty-two.

Bill Clinton:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken! What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?

Hillary Clinton:

It was part of a right-wing conspiracy against my husband.

Rush Limbaugh:

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with the road-crossing syndrome.

Voltaire:

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

Caesar:

To come, to see, to conquer.

The Sphinx:

You tell me.

The Buddha:

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

George W. Bush:

We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.

Tony Blair:

I agree with George.

Homer Simpson:

Mmmmmmm... chicken!

Erwin Schr?dinger:

The chicken was simultaneously on both sides of the road until it was observed and its wave function collapsed.

Ozzy Osbourne:

To $&#%@*^ get to the other side of the $&#%@*^ road. And look at the $&#%@*^ mess it left on the $&#%@*^ centerline!

Mohammed Saeed Al Sahaf, the Iraqi Information Minister:

The chicken never crossed the road. That's part of the stupid American propaganda. We do not even have chickens in Iraq!

Joseph Stalin:

I don't care. I want it arrested, interrogated and charged with treason. Then I want it cooked.

Fidel Castro:

The chicken was running away from capitalist oppression and was on its way to Cuba where all chickens are equal.

Johnny Cochran:

The evidence of the chicken having crossed the road was obviously planted there by the police!

Hemingway:

To die, in the rain.


George W Bush:
because freedom is on the march; it's hard work

Condoleeza Rice:
I've heard of this chicken, but it's really historical data w/ no new threat information.


Michael Moore:
We followed the chicken w/ a camera crew, but it refused to answer our questions.

John Kerry:
It was reporting for duty.

Colon Powell:
gives two hour presentation to the UN, proving that the chicken was seeking weapons of mass destruction.

Tony Soprano:
has panic attack when chicken brings up obscure memory of his mother.

Osama bin Laden:
releases a video tape in which he mentions the chicken, proving he's still alive.

Alan Greenspan:
mumbels something about the chicken, sending the stock market down 2 points.

Jerry Falwell:
the chicken was cast off to the other side of the road because god is angry that Will and Grace is still on prime time.

Ross Perot:
Points to a pie chart, blames it on NAFA, then gives up.

Napoleon:
Admires the way in which the chicken struts

General Ripper:
Mandrake, have you ever seen a chicken drink a glass of water?



now a joke

One Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his
lunch made, grabs some beer, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to
hook up his boat to the truck and head down the road. Coming out of
garage rain is pouring down; its like a torrential downpour. There
is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather
channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he
puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back
into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with different
anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that crap."

[:FI:Macca]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer
run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGISE.
Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great! program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt
3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

All the best,
Tech Support